Stranger in my Bed

“I can’t remember the last time, he kissed me for no reason, wrapped his arms around me at all cost.” “Some time ago, he was open, listening and attentive.” “We could chat the night away.” “We laughed at everything.” “We never wanted to get off the phone.” “None of us wanted to be out of sight.” “I felt so important.” “I thought I was the only resident in the world.” “We must have been Adam and Eve. It must have been before the fall.” “Nothing mattered.”

This was Rachael’s heart pain.

She kept on lamenting about how her marriage had left course. It sounded as if, there had been a shipwreck. I think, somewhere along the line, the engine had experienced a stall, but they kept pushing and pushing. She was tired, lonely, beaten up and about to explode.

“It’s been long I saw him pay attention to what I say”, she continued. “All we talk about now is the next move, next schedule, next meeting, who does what, who does that.” “Pick the children in school”, he will say at breakfast, leaving without giving a kiss or giving a second look.” “We used to steal a last minute look but now, I can’t remember, when last” “Who’s taking the children to school?” he will ask. “I thought we wanted to spend the day together, talking nothing about our routine”, I would remind him every time. “If he held me for a moment, I would be so glad, hoping, he would tell me how much he wanted me, but rather, he would ask, “if I had done what he requested.” “Now, it’s all about request”. “His comments are no longer genuine” “Now, we are business partners, impersonal and detached in everything we do.”

She walked towards the wall to show me their wedding pictures. I was still trying to picture the day. Her furiousness would not let me concentrate.  I could see the pain in her body language. I could see light returning to her face.  Suddenly, her cheeks were picking a smile. Underneath the tears flushed face, I could see little hope. It was the memory of their wedding day. But before, I could make her sit in the joy of what I thought they shared, she turned away as if a dark sword had pierced her soul.

“I feel he has abandoned me completely without a note.” “I feel he has left the house completely, without moving out of our home.” “I feel I am sleeping with a stranger.” “We tick boxes now, not talk.” “I am a single mother with a wedding band.” “I think we are just bed mate.” “We pay our dues, as if there is a landlord waiting at the door.”

I caught into her thought with a question.

What went wrong? Did you have a fight? I asked. When did you start noticing these changes?

Rather than answer me, Rachael asked, “Do you think, he is having affair?” It was as if, she had her suspicion. She added quickly, “since our last anniversary”. “We celebrated our 14^th wedding anniversary eleven months ago.”

I repeated, "fourteen years plus" That's such a long time. Some couples take ten years to hit this point. Some takes weeks. Most often, people who married with wrong motives hit this rock sooner. Ladies who pant after wedding dates, and wants the shatters of wedding bell than marriage itself knock this door quickly. Some people hit the rock and pretend all the way. Others hide under the security of a man’s house, a body to warm another, the need for children but have long been gone.

The picture spoke volumes but there is something mixing in the woman standing in the front of me. I looked at her pictures while she was younger. She was a lively being, active and confident.  The house still had the smell of love, although, a few things were beginning to decay. One can see that in Rachael’s case, it was born out of pure love.

What can save Rachael’s marriage at this point? Where did things go wrong? How do we savage the marriage?  

Let the man pick his fault, while I face the woman in this case. Probably, you are one of a kind like Rachael at this moment.I guess you are expecting me to spank the man, to give you high hopes, sanction the man in question, who has turned Rachael to a shadow, to give an official order or useful signal to the husband to resume post. But you've forgotten that there are two sides to a coin.A coach once told me that we fail because we failed to ask ourselves some questions. I am not providing a to-do list but I would like to ask more thought provoking and unexpected questions. I am asking you to do careful observations. I am not accusing you or defending the wrong of your man.

What were your motives before you said, I do? Was it to prove a statement to a girlfriend or afraid, you would be single? Did you ever love the man you slept with, every night and then? What has changed about you?  If the marriage was sweet at the cradle, are you still treating your husband exactly the same way, you did in the early days or you have shifted attention to your children and now that they are growing up, you desire a shift in focus. Have you got set expectations and chose to be quiet about it? Do you expect your man to plug a mind reader? You are wired differently, may be a little help will put him back on course. Have you tried to call his attention to say, "I am missing you badly" or plunged into the field with frustrated wives. I understand you are the one who stay home all day with the children or you return from work and become the macho woman. Have you turned this as an avenue to be impersonal, cold, reserved and shut away? Are you still the interesting person, he met several years ago, or all you talk about now are diapers and nappy rashes. You know how much men get irritated by certain things. Have you left a size and tripled? Some men are clear about looks but some are more silent and would try to accept but would eventually find it difficult on the long run. They tend to tell us what we want to hear. The house never smells enticing anymore. Your nails are too long to wash but they don’t use to be. Now, you have a dozen excuses, “why you aren’t in the mood” and still want a pat. They say food is a way to a man’s heart. Have you left it for a cook to take over? Have you been nice to him in a long time, even when he is fault-full? I know you deserve an award for being top-notch, the woman in everything, but is your man sinking in the well of wants. Have you tried to listen to him recently? You know how badly, we like to talk about everything. I know we are wired this way. Women talk! I know running a household has not been easy on your salary and you’ve tried to be humble as possible. Have you said the things that hurt you most, but hurting the man you love or once loved. Have you plunged him to a comparison machine because your friend said their man does this or that? I believe if we pluck the fig in our eyes, we would have clarity to remove others. Is there anywhere along the ride that you've taken the steering from God and decided to route your own ship. You are heading for a shipwreck. May the God of wisdom teach you at this time to become more like the woman, he intended you to be. Even when you’ve done all, love, love and keep on loving. It’s a seed; it must germinate. Let nothing corrupt you. Let nothing separate the bond that God has created. That’s where fulfilment lies for you as well. There is no stranger in your bed. Take the veil of your face and see that he's your man.

Shalom
Oluwamitomisin